Better in Time?

Do you ever get in one of those moods where you find a song that fits exactly how you feel at that particular moment and the only way to keep you from completely losing it is to repeat the song over, and over, and over again?
I'm in one of those moods. Truth be told, I've been in one all day but there's been people around me, so I've had to just keep the song playing over and over in my head until I was able to retreat to my room and unleash my I-tunes.

This week marks the beginning of the holidays. This part of the year is always touch and go with me. Depending on where I find myself in life it's either bad, or really bad.

I've always been invited to go somewhere for the holidays. Some random set of friends, or family of friends. People have always tried to make me feel welcome. But, with that comes the fact that, it isn't really the same.

I don't like feeling like a burden, or an intruder. And, most times I know that's not the case. But, it's also hard to not feel that way.
I haven't spent a Thanksgiving or a Christmas with a member of my own family since 1999.
As long as it's been, one would think with time it gets easier. When in fact it gets harder.

I've recieved several invites this year. I go through a different range of emotions with each invitation. Gratitude, and shame all at the same time.
Thank you for inviting me. Fuck you for feeling bad for me. Pity me. Ignore me. Toss me aside. Hold me close.
It's a complicated thing to explain.
I guess when I reallydig down and think about it, it goes deeper than just the holidays.
I always feel like I'm bothering someone. Like I'm an inconvenience.
I think to a certain extent these are facts, though probably not as serious as I tend to assume.
It causes me to both push to hard, and pull away too fast at the same time. So I end up running away, yet dragging someone along at the same time.

The holidays get the worst of it, because it's the one time that I want to be both left alone, and comforted at the same time. There's a certain hardship that comes along with not having a great relationship with your family. You tend to lose that confirmation that you matter in the world.

Most people get that with phone calls and visits. Cards or concerns.
And, with me, I rely on my few friendships and myself to build that reiteration.

I guess I was never intelligent to understand how important these things are. Without them, you develop so many more insecurities.
Insecurities that tear you down. Disassemble you. Break you apart.

The more time that passes, the easier it gets to want to be by myself, and the harder it gets to actually do it.
The more it goes on, the more I curl mylip when I get invited to someone elses' traditions.
It's not that im not humbled by it, or that I'm ungrateful.
It's that I'm ashamed. Embarrassed.
I'm 26 years old, and it seems so young to...not have anyone.

It's not even a relationship thing. I mean, I guess that factors into it too, but its so much more than that.

I don't have anyone to really.....lean on. I don't have anyone to cry with. I don't have anyone to cling to.

Maybe I've had a person for that too often in my life, and at this stage it's better that I don't have these things. But, it doesnt feel that way.

I think of Christmas time. I make a list of people I should buy for. Then I make a list of people that will buy something for me.
Comparing these lists teaches a person alot.

Sure, a persons' self worth isnt measured by these things....and it shouldn't be. But, yet it is.

It just seems like good things are happening to everyone around me. And, it seems to just get worse for me.
Maybe I'm jealous, or bitter.
I've always told people that I'm not bitter. (because everyone thats ever meant anything to me...always calls me that)
I'm realizing that I am bitter.
I am Nick, and I am a very bitter person.

I'm fed-up with the mediocrity I live in. I'm tired of being sad.I'm tired of feeling alone.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't really...matter to people.
Maybe with that, I should stop pretending that people don't matter to me.

I'm so much more than people get to see.
And, I think that people are both extremely lucky, and extremely unfortunate for not getting to see.

I'm simply exhausted with trying to be what people want, or what I think I need to be. I wish I could just learn to....be more.

Seems like the struggling goes on. It intensifies. Multiplies. It spreads like wildfire.

My song says it'll all get better in time.
And I think i've listened to it about 157 times. Maybe a few more and I'll actually believe it.

(im hardly an optimist)